Episode Notes

After betraying his ex-girl a young man discovers that there truly is no fury like a woman scored!

People Can Lick Too by Rob Fields

Music by Ray Mattis http://raymattispresents.bandcamp.com

Produced by Daniel Wilder

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Transcription:

I was having some hot sex with my girlfriend, Jensen Mirren, in my bedroom at the house. We came here to finish our date. I’d been seeing Jensen since the start of junior year at Strickfield University, about three months after I broke up with Silvia Charmer. Man! Fuuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk!! Just thinking about that creepy girl . . . ! Suddenly, I felt Jensen shove me off her. I fell to the floor and was greeted by my dog Sparky, who was usually lying underneath my bed. I got up and saw Jensen’s angry look. “You’re thinking about her again, Zach!” she snapped.  “I wasn’t –” I started to protest.  “Yes, you were!” she interrupted. “I know, because you don’t make love to me with passion whenever you’re thinking about her.” She looked at me like she’d just found out I was still sleeping with Silvia. I mean I wasn’t! That was just how she looked. “I know I’m not as hot as her, I get it.” I got back on the bed with her. A tear was streaming down her cheek. “Why do you still love her, Zach? You’re with me, but you still love her. Why?!” I quickly snatched Jensen to me. “I don’t love her! I love you!” Jensen shook her head quickly. “No . . . ! No, you still keep thinking about Silvia.” Jensen pulled away from me and got off the bed. She grabbed her clothes and got dressed. Then she stormed out. I could hear her crying as she reached the front door and left.  Sigh . . . !  Jensen was wrong. Okay, yes, I still thought about Silvia Charmer, but not because I was still madly in love with her. Yes, Jenson was right about Silvia being one nicely stacked girl. I mean, Silvia was both hot and wild. Just seeing her flaming red hair and glowing green eyes was enough to put you under her spell. I mean, Silvia could have had any guy she wanted, but she had her eyes on me the day we started our freshman year at Strickfield University.  It started with us talking. Then it was a coffee date. Then we were at her house and in her bed – right after the coffee date! For almost two years, the two of us burned each other’s beds from all the hot sex we were having. And I know what you’re thinking . . . Why would I break up with someone as sizzling as Silvia Charmer? I’m sure you’d quickly point out that she’s also rich and independent. But it’s what you don’t know! One day, after sophomore year was over, Silvia invited me to her house to spend the afternoon with her. Her plan was for us to hang out at her indoor pool. I got to her house and let myself in like she texted me to do. I knew I’d find her in her bedroom. When I did find her, I about shit myself! She was lying on her bed in her bikini . . .  And she had fucking snakes moving all over her body!! Yeah, that’s right! She had several snakes hissing and slithering all over her body! They weren’t just any household snakes, neither – if there is such a thing. The first one I noticed was the rattlesnake on her belly. I knew another one was a black mamba, because we’d just seen one in the zoology lab on the other side of Strickfield University during a class. I’ll never forget that king cobra that was rubbing up against the side of her face. And don’t even get me started on that huge boa constrictor.  When I gasped, the snakes looked at me – all at once! They didn’t move to attack me, though. Silvia just sat up casually. “Oh, hi, Zach.” Then she picked up the king cobra – like anybody could have easily done it! That was the whole creepy thing right there. None of those fucking snakes ever once attacked Silvia.  I didn’t give Silvia time to explain. I just turned and got the fuck out of that house and never looked back. In fact, I never went to Silvia’s part of town ever again.  Silvia tried to get with me to explain, but I didn’t want to hear her. I blocked her number on my phone. I blocked her on social media. I wouldn’t see her when she came to my house. I even avoided her on campus. I just wasn’t going to deal with her creepy shit. It had taken a few months before Silvia finally got the hint. Or so I thought . . . Getting to Jensen Mirren, I ended up taking a liking to her when she was assigned as my lab partner in my zoology class at the start of junior year. Things started off about the same as with Silvia: just talking, a coffee date . . . But this time, we went on a few actual real dates before we started sleeping together. I also found out later that this girl was rich, too. Now, I don’t want you thinking I only dated rich girls. That was just how things turned out. Silvia Charmer soon came back into the picture. She found out I was seeing Jensen and decided to confront me. In fact, she surprised me in one of the campus science labs. I stayed late on Friday afternoon to get some work done. I didn’t even see she’d come into the lab until she was a good six feet away. And wouldn’t you know it? She was cradling one of her fucking snakes – a copperhead!  Silvia’s green eyes practically burned right through me. “So this is how it is, Zach? I really thought you were a decent guy, but you’re just like all the others. The second you find out what my . . . one flaw is, you just turn tail and run. Not only run, but run right into another girl’s waiting tits.” I staggered back when the copperhead looked right at me and started to move. “Oh, shit!” Silvia turned and gently put the snake down on one of the tables beside her. Petting its head, she told it, “You behave now, Coppy, and stay right here.” The snake just looked right at her, as if it understood exactly what Silvia told it to do. Then Silvia turned her attention back to me. “Now, we’re going to talk things through here. We were together for two years. You owe me that!” I laid it out for her and told her how she creeped me out with her snakes. I drilled her by asking if she let her snakes roam free in her house. I even asked her what would have happened if one of them would have bit me while we would have been making love at her house.  Silvia looked pissed. “So . . . you dumped me just because of my snakes? My snakes are my pets, my friends. Nobody loves, appreciates, and understands snakes the way I do. My babies would never have hurt you in any way. Not unless you tried to hurt me, or them.” Her eyes burned right through me again. “I did nothing wrong, except love you with all my heart and soul for two years. When I finally decided to reveal this part of who I am to you, you fucking turned your back on me! You really hurt me, Zach! Badly! Is that all I ever was to you, hot sex?” I shook my head. “It wasn’t like that, Silvia! I really loved you! But seeing you like that, with those snakes all over you . . . I’m sorry, but I just can’t be with you.” I didn’t realize how dangerously close Silvia was to me now. Her face was just a few inches from mine. Her arms gently wrapped around me. Before I knew it, those amazingly soft lips were right on mine. My mind drifted back to our first kiss after our coffee date. It was exactly like this. My arms moved around her on their own. I couldn’t stop kissing her. Then I felt her tongue slithering into my mouth.  I cried out in terror and shoved her so hard that she fell onto her side. I pointed down at her. “Get the fuck away from me!” Then her snake lifted itself and hissed loudly at me, making me scream.  I picked up a lab pan and smashed the snake with it. I didn’t even hear Silvia’s screams or protests. When the snake fell on the floor, I stomped on its head and crushed it. I didn’t stop stomping it until I knew for sure it was dead. My heart never pounded so hard in my entire life.  I turned to look at Silvia. Tears were streaming down her face as she slowly pulled herself up. “You bastard! You fucking son of a bitch!” Silvia lashed out and shoved me as hard as she could. Now I was on the floor. “And to think I still loved you and wanted you back!” She lowered herself and gently cradled her bloody, dead snake into her arms. “Coppy . . .” she sobbed.  Silvia looked back at me, her eyes burned through me – hotter than ever. “Hurting me was one thing, but you crossed the line today, Zach.” Then she screamed, “I fucking hate you! I will get revenge on you for Coppy!” She sobbed again as she left with her dead snake. 

Funny thing . . . Ever since that day, Jensen had really been acting strange. She seemed more possessive now. She didn’t wait for me to ask her out anymore. She’d come and approach me for dates. She even got more aggressive in the bedroom. She’d gotten to the point to where she would actually grab my hair or run her nails down my back when we’d fuck.  I was on my bed and kept thinking about everything that had happened that day in the lab with Silvia and her snake. I let my arm drop off the bed. When I felt something wet brush across my fingers, I gasped and quickly got off the bed and stood at the doorway. A few seconds later, I saw the head of my dog rise from the other side of the bed.  “Jesus, Sparky!” I got back on the bed and let my German Shepherd climb up and lay down with me. Then I scratched his head the way I knew he liked it. “Crazy dog, always underneath my bed.” But no matter how many times Sparky was underneath my bed and licking my hand, I could never forget how Silvia’s eyes just kept burning through me whenever we crossed paths on campus. She said she’d get revenge on me for killing her snake. And now I also had to deal with Jensen’s possessiveness. The last time Jensen and I fucked, she grabbed my hair and literally slammed my head into the headboard. Then she said something that was also hard to forget.  “You’re mine, Zach! You’re mine and mine alone! Don’t you ever forget that!” I swear she looked so evil when she said that. I still had the goose egg from the headboard to go with the fresh scratches on my back.  “Man, Sparky, what have I gotten myself into with these girls?” I asked him. His response was to look at me and lick my hand again. 

A few weeks later, I came home to police cars and ambulances. I quickly raced to the front door, but a police officer wouldn’t let me go in. He told me it wasn’t safe. In fact, Sparky was standing next to the officer. Then I saw a few people who didn’t quite fit the picture. Were those . . . snake wranglers?! I couldn’t stop gulping as the officer told me what had happened.  Apparently, my parents were unpacking from their business trip. My younger sister was doing her homework. There were fucking snakes in the house! Yeah, you heard right! I practically fell to my knees when I saw three body bags being loaded into two ambulances. It all happened so fast! One second, I was talking to my parents over video chat. The next, I’m finding out I’ll never see my family ever again.  The snake wranglers ended up finding and removing twelve poisonous snakes – all from the campus zoology lab. I knew it had to be Silvia. She was the only one I knew of who had any kind of access to snakes. Then a funny thing crossed my mind. Don’t ask me why, but here was some irony when it came to my family. They actually thought the world of Silvia, but they couldn’t stand Jensen. Silvia and my sister got along great! My family never told me who to see, but they always voiced their feelings on all my girlfriends.  Silvia wanted revenge on me, but coming after my family like that? She went too far! The only way for me to stop Silvia was to confront her. I was lying on my bed, deciding how to do it. I put my hand down and felt Sparky lick it. I took a deep breath and got off the bed. I decided to get my dad’s gun. Snakes or no snakes, things were going to end with Silvia . . . tonight!  Suddenly, Jensen came into my room. She was wearing a very sexy dress and had a large purse hanging off her shoulder.  “Jensen, now’s not a good time,” I told her.  She responded by shoving me onto the bed. “From now on, you will make the time for me, Zach Jenner!” Then she was on top of me and sitting on me. “You will only have time for me now, my love!” Before I could protest, she struck and wrapped her hands around my neck. “I saw you kissing that fucking bitch in the science lab! How dare you go behind my back! I gave you my heart and my body! You’re mine! Miiiiiiiinnnnnneeeeeee!!!!!” Her hands squeezed my neck tighter. “Your family always hated me. Even your fucking sister was quite vocal to me. Your family would have separated us. I could never allow that!” Jensen let go of my neck and got off me. She quickly snatched up her purse and glared at me. “I was never good enough for you, was I? It was always about Silvia Charmer, wasn’t it?!” I stood up and looked at her with horror. “You . . . killed my family?!” Jenson raised the purse in front of her. “And now I’m going to kill you! If I can’t have you . . . no one can! And Silvia Charmer will take all the blame . . .”  When she opened the purse, a black mamba shot out and looked right at me. As close as Jensen was to me, I knew I was as good as dead once that snake bit me. Then I heard a loud bark as Sparky jumped on my bed.  “Sparky, no! Get out of here, boy!” The black mamba suddenly turned and sank its fangs into Jensen’s forearm. She shrieked, “Ohgodno!!” She dropped the purse and managed to get the snake off her, but it quickly struck again and bit her face. I quickly shot across my bed and opened my window. I got Sparky to go through. Then I followed him. Good thing we were on the first floor. I looked back inside to see that Jensen had fallen to the floor. I got out my smartphone and called 911. 

The next night, I was sleeping in my bed. I woke up when I heard a loud dripping noise. I groaned and then put my hand down. As usual, Sparky licked it. I tried to get back to sleep, but that dripping was just too loud. I got out of bed and went across the hall to the bathroom. I turned on the light and screamed when I saw my dog was hanging on the shower nozzle by his neck. Sparky’s blood was dripping onto the shower floor from his wounds. Then I saw the message on the mirror – written in Sparky’s blood: PEOPLE CAN LICK TOO!! I felt my heart drop fast! I turned to see Silvia Charmer standing in the doorway now, her boa constrictor wrapped around her like a fur. “Hi, Zach. I told you I’d have my revenge for you killing Coppy.” I was speechless. I knew Jensen was crazy. Dead now, but crazy. But Silvia . . . ! Once again, Silvia’s green eyes burned right through me. Before I could say anything, she raised her leg and kicked me hard in the gut. I staggered backward and fell into the shower. I was lying in Sparky’s blood. But what really scared the shit out of me now was seeing those sickening movements in Sparky’s corpse right above me.  My eyes were wide open and I gulped hard! “That’s right, Zach! I got my revenge by killing your dog. What’s sad is that I really loved Sparky and it hurt me to have to kill him, but . . . you killed Coppy.” She produced a sharp knife, the one she killed Sparky with. “And . . . my babies want revenge, too. After all, Coppy was family. Revenge is a bitch . . . isn’t it?! This is for Coppy, you murdering piece of shit!” Using the knife, she sliced open Sparky’s stomach with one movement. I screamed like hell as a bunch of poisonous snakes hissed loudly as they dropped right on me. After feeling one snakebite after another, I knew that this was . . .  THE END!!

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